so I've been thinking

So ever since all of that stuff happened and people just started disappearing out of my life, I of course don't trust them. I don't like putting myself into situations where I'm vulnerable, and therefore I don't fully open myself up to anyone. I feel like everytime I do, something happens and they aren't there anymore. It sucks because I'd like to have normal relationships with people, but its so hard to really do that and feel safe. Its easier to let go of someone in your life if you never really let them in completely in the first place; because eventually and maybe sooner than you think you have to let go.

I've only fully let three people into my life. My little brother, my big sister Shannon and my brother Calvin. So you can imagine the pain I felt when he told me that he'd spending his entire summer in Florida. My mind immediately decided that I had been a bad friend and that he didn't wanna be friends anymore. I started panicking about it and almost gave myself an anxiety attack. I can't bare to think that somehow I managed to lose someone else in my life because of something I had done, or didn't do.

So anyway, I tried to reason with myself. Being this way has made me such a selfish person. I mean, if I really think about the big picture instead of myself for just a minute, I realize that its for the best. I mean I know that he isn't happy being in a house with Derrick and that he'd probably rather spend his summer in Florida, find a job there and kick it with his friends from school. It makes so much sense. I guess if I had friends who were from somewhere sweet like Florida I'd wanna spend my summer with them too. So anyway, after panicking about the possibility that I may be losing someone else, its more important that my best friend is happy and enjoys his summer rather than spending it bored in Chicago.